Appreciation vs Praise (& Why Knowing the Difference is Key)

Praise is nice, whereas appreciation is awesome. So what is the difference, and why does it matter to our children that we know? Read on to find out.

Your child shows you a painting that they have done.

You say, 'Wow, what a beautiful painting!'.

That is praise.

Perhaps you praised their efforts as well.

'Wow, what a beautiful painting! I can see you put a lot of effort into that!'

As I said, praise is nice, and there is nothing wrong with it per se. However, children enjoy pleasing us, and if we only give them attention and praise for effort, talent or for what they produce, they may begin to feel that they need to do the same things to get attention or praise. They may fear not being able to produce such a good painting again. That fear may deter them from pursuing their love of painting or induce perfectionism. It can create a cycle of needing to achieve or be productive to feel worthy of love and attention. The well-meant praise becomes a negative force.

Your child shows you a painting they have done.

This time, you say: 'Wow, look at that, you are so creative. I love how focussed you are when you're painting.'

That is appreciation. You have noticed, admired and appreciated the qualities you saw in your child that enabled them to paint the picture. They now believe they are creative and focused. They can, in the future, choose to apply that creativity and focus to any other project they wish. With your appreciation, their sense of worth and their courage has increased. They feel valued for who they are, not for what they have done.

There may be many myths you have heard over time that prevent you from expressing appreciation, so if the thought of doing so makes you hesitate, take a moment to examine what is stopping you. Well-known sayings like 'they'll get too big for their boots' and 'pride comes before a fall' and notions of what spoils a child are out of date. However, they can still have an unconscious hold on us, so it's worth consciously searching for any reasons that might stop you. If you're unsure where to start, think of one thing you love about your child. Ensure it's not related to anything they do but rather who they are. When you next see them, share that with them in whatever way feels right for you. Appreciation is most effective when it is sincere, succinct, and specific.

Sharing the qualities we admire, appreciate, and love in our children with them gives them the courage and resilience they need. It gives them confidence in themselves and helps them build a secure sense of self-worth. It smooths their path into adulthood, and it deepens our relationship with them.