Learning to Put Yourself First

Why Self-Care Isn’t Selfish

You might be wondering how on earth you’re supposed to put yourself first when life already feels full. Between work, responsibilities, and caring for a family, self-care can seem like a luxury—maybe even a selfish one.
But here’s the truth: prioritising your well-being doesn’t just benefit you. It benefits everyone around you. When you’re healthier, calmer, and emotionally grounded, you show up as the best version of yourself for your family, your work, and your life.

So, what is self-care, and how do we make it happen?

The self-care I’m talking about is taking care of ourselves from the inside out. I’m not talking about buying yourself expensive things or treating yourself to an extra-big piece of cake. There is nothing wrong with those things, but how you make the decision to do them is what matters.

If, for example, you are treating yourself because you feel upset, angry or frustrated, then the treat won’t feel like the reward you thought it would. In a moment of resentment, you decide you are putting yourselves first, so off you stomp to buy the gorgeous dress that’s been lurking in your online basket or gobble that cake. Unfortunately, chances are that no sooner have you spent the money or eaten the cake, regret, doubt and all too often self-loathing will start to creep in. You wonder:

“Why don’t I feel better?”
“Everyone else seems to enjoy these things—why can’t I?”

Self-care starts with how you feel about yourself.

You deserve to treat yourself—of course you do. But if you don’t believe that on a deep level, no amount of treating will feel rewarding.

Think of how you choose a birthday gift for your child: not the toy they demanded during a tantrum, but the gift that you know will light them up. You chose it with love, thoughtfulness, and understanding.
You didn’t question whether they deserved it.
You just knew.

Now imagine giving yourself that same level of care.

Self-care is not the act of giving—it’s the belief that you are worthy of receiving.

But loving yourself doesn’t always feel easy.

If your inner critic is loud—if you’re used to judging yourself, doubting yourself, or feeling “not enough”—self-love can feel miles away. Those beliefs can become so ingrained that we stop noticing them.
They become background noise: unquestioned, unchallenged, and untrue.

But here’s the most important part:

Thoughts are not facts.

Just because you’ve thought something repeatedly doesn’t make it true.

There is no quick fix (and that’s okay)

No quote on Instagram, no spa day, and no slice of cake can magically create self-love.
Self-love comes from spending time with your thoughts—honestly, compassionately, and without judgement. It takes vulnerability, patience, and a willingness to change.

You don’t have to be perfect.
You just have to begin.

When you start treating yourself as someone worth caring for, everything changes.

Begin the journey

This blog won’t make you wake up tomorrow suddenly in love with yourself—but I hope it nudges you to consider that a different relationship with yourself is possible.
A relationship where you treat yourself with the same kindness, patience, and unconditional love you give to others.

In the words of Whitney Houston:

“Learning to love yourself… it is the greatest love of all.”

And while her words, ‘It’s easy to achieve’, might not always ring true, you’ll never know how powerful it can be until you take the first step.

If you’d like support on this journey, I’m here to help. Book a session with me, and together we’ll explore what kind of support will truly serve you and help you take the next step toward a healthier, kinder relationship with yourself

Self Care FAQs

1. How can I find time for self-care when my schedule is already full?
Self-care doesn’t have to be time-consuming. Instead of waiting for a free hour, look for small, intentional moments—stop and listen to the kettle boiling, leave for nursery or school pickup 5 minutes earlier to walk slowly, or simply breathe deeply before responding to the next request. Consistency matters more than duration.

2. Isn’t self-care selfish when there’s so much to do for the kids and other people?
Not at all. Caring for yourself allows you to be calmer, more present, and emotionally available. A depleted parent can’t pour from an empty cup—self-care benefits the whole family.

3. What does real self-care look like beyond treats or indulgences?
Real self-care is meeting your emotional, physical, and mental needs. It includes rest, setting boundaries, saying no without guilt, asking for help, nourishing your body, speaking to yourself kindly, and asking your inner critic to pipe down, as well as creating space for your own thoughts and feelings.

4. How do I stop feeling guilty when I take time for myself?
Guilt comes from the belief that you’re taking something away from your family. Reframe it: you’re giving them the best version of you. Self-care isn’t abandonment—it’s maintenance.

5. Where do I start if I don’t even know what I need anymore?
Start small. Ask yourself: What do I feel? What do I need right now? It might be rest, silence, connection, or movement. Notice what feels nourishing and what drains you.

6. How can I practice self-care without spending money?
Some of the best self-care is free: sleep, breathing exercises, journaling, time outside, or saying “I need a moment.” Self-care is about intention, not expense.

7. How do I protect my time and set boundaries with my partner or kids?
Communicate clearly and kindly. Try: “I need 15 minutes to recharge. When I’m done, I’ll be fully available again.” Boundaries teach others how to treat you and serve as a model for important learning for your kids.

8. How do I work on self-love if my inner critic is loud?
Begin by noticing the negative self-talk without judgment. Then gently challenge it by asking: “Would I speak to someone I love this way?” Self-compassion grows through awareness. Kristen Neff offers valuable advice on cultivating self-compassion. Check out her website here.

9. How can I be consistent with self-care?
Make it a routine rather than a reward. Pair it with an existing habit—like journaling while the kettle boils or stretching before bed. Consistency comes from making it fit in with the rest of your day.

10. What if my partner or family doesn’t support my need for alone time?
Explain the why: “I take this time so I can be more present with you later.” Invite them to support you rather than asking permission. Your needs are valid.