Building Self-Esteem in Your Child
It’s easy to fall into parenting traps that chip away at our child’s self-esteem. Without intending to, or realising it, we can do things that we consider to be in their best interests but turn out to have a negative impact. So how do we avoid these traps and what can we do instead?
Common Parenting Traps & How to Fix Them
Most of these traps come from a loving place and a desire to help our children. They are very common and if you have fallen into any of these traps, it does not mean you’re a bad parent! Please read it with compassion for yourself and the knowledge that this blog is not just about the traps, it’s about what we can do instead.
“‘Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.’ ”
Trap 1
Constant correction
It is common for parents to think it is their job to correct their children. How are they going to learn if you don’t notice and correct them? How can they learn from their mistakes if you don’t point them out? Yet if we pause for a moment and consider how we may feel if we were constantly corrected we get an insight into how our child might feel. Constant correct erodes self-esteem and can set up a pattern of defiance from your child rather than encouraging them to learn and grow.
How to build self-esteem
Your child will learn more easily when you notice behaviour you’d like to see and you applaud their efforts. If they are doing something you’d like to correct ensure that what you say is about the behaviour and not the child. Praise, appreciation and encouragement speed up learning more than criticism and correction because our brain thinks better when we are feeling positive. Notice your current ratio and if it is heavily critical or correctional aim to switch it so that correction is in the minority.
Trap 2
Doing Everything for Your Child
If you do everything for your child, it can send the message to them that you think they are not capable. This is especially true if they see the majority of their peers doing things that they haven’t yet mastered because they haven’t had an opportunity to try. We do it to help our child, but they miss opportunities to master new skills and feel proud of themselves.
How to build self-esteem
Ensure you set time aside to teach new skills. Learning skills takes time and teaching them takes patience! Skills are also not learned in a linear fashion, I certainly remember thinking something was easy when the teacher was there guiding me, but forgetting how to do it a day later. Praise effort rather than results until the skill is mastered. If they need your help some days, that’s ok, we all have days when things feel harder, help out and then go back to encouraging your child to try another day. Time invested upfront will save time later!
Trap 2
Interrupting Them
When our child speaks they may say things that are hard for us to listen to, such as feeling sad or angry or telling us about a friend being unkind. They may use incorrect words or grammar or take longer to say something than you think they should. To make them feel better or to teach them or to help them out, we interrupt them! But by interrupting we don’t achieve any of this and may instead send the message that they’re not worth listening to or that we think they aren’t able to find their own solutions.
How to build self-esteem
Make the decision to listen for set periods without interruption. Watch your child’s mind at work and notice the connections they are able to make on their own. When they have finished you are in a wiser place and better able to respond because you have listened and have a greater understanding. Instead of jumping in with your thoughts or advice, ask them a question to help them solve their own problem. The bigger picture is to build their self-esteem so consider this before adding your own thoughts, especially if you disagree with them or have valuable adult wisdom you’re desperate to impart!
Trap 3
Wishing They Were Different
Our children can change how they behave but they cannot change who they are. When we try to change aspects of their character, they can feel they have disappointed you for being themselves. They may start to wish they were different.
How to build self-esteem
Accepting our children for who they are and noticing the good in them is a builder of self-esteem. If this feels really hard, it can be because our children often reflect back to us characteristics that we don’t like in ourselves. We can seek to protect our children from being like us, so in order to build their self-esteem, we need to start with our own. Looking at how we can be kinder and more accepting of all of our own characteristics can help us to be more accepting of our children. We can make assumptions about certain characteristics and label them as bad, fearing they will affect our child’s future. (For more on how to reframe negative labels see my blog on Labels.)
Trap 4
Unfavourable Comparison
When another child - a sibling or your child’s contemporary does something your child isn’t able to do or doesn’t want to do, it can be easy to compare them unfavourably. Equally, if they have habits that annoy you that others don’t seem to have, we can again make unfavourable comparisons. When we are told to be more like someone else, it rarely helps us change anything, but often creates a feeling of inferiority and disdain for the person we are compared to.
How to build self-esteem
Your child is unique. It is exactly their difference from others that makes them wonderful. Reflect on what you think and say and if you are in the habit of comparing them, proactively seek to change that habit. Share with them what you love or admire about them. If there is something they can’t or won’t do, be curious about why that might be and address that. Can you reframe their annoying behaviour in a positive light? Most famous drummers drove their parents a little crazy by tapping a tune on anything and everything!
A Final note on Self-Esteem
Reflect on your own self-esteem. What helps you to feel better about yourself? For most of us, it’s being appreciated for who we are, having our efforts noticed, overcoming our challenges (in whatever form those take), loving and being loved by those close to us. We will all have variations and additions but knowing what works for you will help you provide what your child needs.
Finally, if you have read this far, you have already shown how invested you are in parenting your child well. Parenting is never a simple, easy job and the journey to building our child’s self-esteem is heavily wrapped up in our ability to nurture our own self-esteem, which is also not a simple nor easy job! Please book a free no-obligation Ignite Change Session if you want to find out how I can support you to build your own self-esteem and confidence.
