Labels & How to Avoid Them
We are told labelling our kids is a bad idea but what is it, why don’t we want to do it and how can we avoid it?
What is it?
Labels can be both positive or negative. If your child doesn’t want to tidy up or go for a walk, in frustration you might call them lazy - this is a label. If your child zips to the top of the climbing frame and in delight, you tell them they are the bravest person in the world, this too is labelling. Do you have more than one child - the shy one, the outgoing one, the smart one…these too are labels.
Why don’t we want to do it?
Simply put, labelling affects a child’s sense of self-worth.
Negative Labels:
If we as the parent they trust, repeatedly tell them they are difficult or stubborn or shy they will begin to believe that is true. They may well begin to live up to the label they are given - thinking ‘If you think I’m rebellious or lazy I may as well be’. They may spend a large part of the time trying to be someone different to please you, not really knowing how to be different and developing a deep sense of inadequacy. Often as adults, we forget where these labels came from but we hold them tightly, wrongly believing they are who we are.
Shame doesn’t change behaviour for the better. If we shame our children with negative labels they may stop what they are doing and certain behaviour may stop or change, but the bigger picture is unlikely to be positive. The feelings of shame will manifest in other areas and are likely to generate other behavioural challenges.
Positive Labels:
These can feel like less of a problem, but it’s still best to avoid them. If they don’t feel like the bravest kid in the world but you insist they are, they could trust you less or trust themselves less or feel they need to keep their doubts about themselves secret. Perhaps they do believe you and they build a sense of self-worth that isn’t based on the truth. At some point, perhaps as an older child or adult, they realise this and they find their belief in themself shattered. The pressure to live up to a positive label can also be immense, a child labelled smart may fail a test and feel it’s a catastrophic happening.
Career Labels:
If our children like doing certain things, it can be easy to fall into the trap of giving them a career label but children’s interests change. Liking building blocks at 2 years old doesn’t mean a career as an architect or engineer. If you say these labels with pride, in later life they may assume they have failed you and themselves if they don’t embrace that career.
Comparative Labels:
These are often a cause of sibling rivalry, so watch out for them too. Labels like the shy one, the helpful one or the smart one can be damaging for all your children, not just the child who is given the label.
Labels generally don’t lead to desirable outcomes for our children so what should we do instead?
How to avoid labelling?
Be Self-Aware
Labelling our children can be hard to stop because we often repeat patterns from our own childhood experiences. As parents, it’s helpful to create awareness around how we label ourselves and to understand beliefs about ourselves that may have come from labels given to us. Spend time thinking of the labels you were given, both positive and negative. How did they make you feel? What behaviour did they drive?
Be reflective
Consider the labels you may have given your children. How do you talk about your children to others in front of them? What labels are implied but unspoken - do you protect your child because you believe they are the shy one in the family or by labelling one child sporty, their sibling assumes they are not? What do you say when you’re frustrated or angry? What do you say when you’re praising your child? Is labelling your go-to criticism or compliment? If it is ditch any guilt and take action to change.
Plan ahead
Certain things our children do can be like a red rag to a bull! If we know our triggers and make a plan or even practice what to say when faced with certain behaviour, we’re far more likely to avoid negative labels. What might you say, that isn’t a shame creating label when faced with crayon marks on the wall or dirty plates under the bed? When in doubt focus on the behaviour, not your child’s characteristics.
Make amends
The reality is there are moments when we lose our temper and say things we regret. It can take a bit of courage but apologising and being specific about the labels you have used and acknowledging that they aren’t true is important. Our children don’t need us to be perfect, but they do need us to make amends when we make mistakes that affect their sense of self-worth. By making amends we don’t lose our child’s respect, we gain it.
Focus on the good
Our children are complex individuals who are never as one dimensional as a label would suggest. Focussing on all the many things you love and admire about them and sharing those with them helps to build self-worth. Negative labels you may have used usually have a positive quality so rather than trying to change that quality, find the positive. Stubborn often means your child has determination with a high level of perseverance and grit. Aggressive means an ability and willingness to stand up for yourself and others. Difficult means they are able to decipher what is important to them and are assertive enough to state it. The list goes on…
While it’s easy to fall into the trap of labelling children, with a bit of reflection and will, it is an easy habit to break and developing a deeper bond with your child is the reward. As with all steps we take to improve how we parent it’s always worth it!
