Communicating with Teens & Tweens
A Mindful Approach to Reducing Conflict and Building Connection
The back-chatting, eye-rolling and one-word answers often show up in the pre-teen years. Many parents feel a mix of panic about the teenage phase ahead and sadness about childhood slipping away. The surprise? Once in the thick of it, most parents say it’s not as bad as they feared. It’s still challenging, though—and one of the biggest challenges is communication.
When we communicate with our teens, we assume the key issue is technique. While good communication skills matter, the real barriers are often internal: the thoughts and emotions that influence how we react before we even open our mouths. When our thoughts take over, our communication becomes reactive rather than intentional.
Take this example…
Why We React the Way We Do
Picture this…
You walk past your teen’s room. There’s a dirty plate on the floor, clothes everywhere, and a general sense of chaos. Your reaction depends on the thoughts your brain throws at you:
“I’m taken for granted.”
“All I do is nag.”
“If they cared, they’d listen.”
“Why am I failing as a parent?”
Our brains are quick to create stories—usually ones that point blame back at us. Those thoughts trigger uncomfortable emotions, and to protect ourselves from that discomfort, we move to anger. Anger feels powerful. So we attack the mess, and, unintentionally, our child.
Suddenly, we’re saying:
“How many times have I told you to clean this room? Hand me your phone. If you keep this up, you’ll fail all your exams!”
And our teen, bewildered, goes from dirty plate to future life failure in under 30 seconds.
They stop listening—or fire back—and the situation escalates.
The Shift Starts With Us
Most parents want to raise resilient, emotionally healthy young adults. But yelling and nagging rarely lead there.
Real change starts when we understand our thinking.
We don’t have to magically change our thoughts, but we can become aware of them. When we notice that our thoughts are assumptions—not truth—we stop letting them dictate our reactions.
When we build our own self-esteem, emotional regulation, and awareness of triggers, our teen’s behaviour stops feeling like a personal attack. We can pause instead of react. We can communicate with clarity, not fear.
Teens are messy, emotional, inconsistent, and wonderful. Their brains are still developing—logic, planning and emotional regulation are works in progress. Pushing away from us is part of learning independence.
Our job is not to control their behaviour—it’s to guide them calmly.
Once we’re grounded, communication techniques finally work.
10 Tips to Communicate Better With Teens (Without Arguing)
1. Approach as a coach not a dictator
Make the problem something you solve together, not something you impose.
2. Listen without interrupting.
Even if you disagree, listening reduces defensiveness and helps them problem solve. By listening first, you’ll understand more and be better placed to respond appropriately, and your teen has a chance to figure out their own solution.
3. Avoid criticism, negative labels & blame
Aim to begin every conversation about behaviour change with a positive comment about a quality you love, admire or appreciate in your child.
4. Pick the right moment.
Find a time when you’re both calm to discuss the behaviour you would like to see change. Keep it simple, state expectations and ask for their input and solutions.
5. Keep conversations focused.
Address one issue at a time — not a laundry list of complaints.
6. Replace punishment with accountability.
Empower them to make amends or to see the potentially problematic consequences of their behaviour rather than dishing out unrelated punishments.
7. Ask instead of assuming
Involve them in decision-making by asking them what they think and how they feel.
8. Validate their feelings.
Avoid belittling their experience and acknowledge their feelings, even if it is difficult to understand or accept that they are feeling the way they are.
9. Model what you want to see.
Model the behaviour you’d like to see in your child by avoiding emotional outbursts and needing to win every argument!
10. Build connection into everyday moments.
Show interest in their world by asking questions your child is interested in answering, listen with interest, enjoy and appreciate watching their mind at work.
When we pause, reflect on our thoughts, and communicate from self-belief—not fear—we create a safe space for our teens to grow. They learn how to communicate by watching us communicate.
Calm parenting isn’t about perfection. It’s about awareness, connection, and compassion—for them and for ourselves. If you’re feeling overwhelmed by parenting stress, join me for four sessions of 1-2-1 coaching to feel lighter and more in control - book an Ignite Change call now to find out more.
Discover Five Practical Steps to Reduce Parenting Stress in this blog post.
Recommended Reading
How to Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk — Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish
More Time to Think — Nancy Kline
The Grown-Up’s Guide to Teenage Humans — Josh Shipp
Brainstorm: The Power & Purpose of the Teenage Brain — Daniel Siegel
Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the 7 Transitions to Adulthood — Lisa Damour
The Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising Connected, Capable and Compassionate Adolescents - Lisa Damour
The Conscious Parent — Shefali Tsabary
