How to Let Go of Mum Guilt
A Kinder Approach to Parenting
Letting Go of Guilt
Most of us remember feeling guilty before we had kids — missing a friend’s birthday, snapping at a coworker, or forgetting to return a call. Those stings usually faded after making amends or giving ourselves a pep talk. Parenthood is different. The stakes feel higher, the same person is on the receiving end every time, and the guilt can grow. The good news is that it doesn’t have to spiral. Here’s a kinder way to handle it.
Why parental guilt is so powerful
Huge responsibility + little experience. Caring for a tiny person with no manual invites doubt. When we question our competence, we often leap to the conclusion that “I must be getting it wrong.”
Information overload. Books, blogs, social media and well-meaning advice set impossible expectations. When reality doesn’t match the ideal, guilt steps in.
Perfectionism and ‘what ifs’. Our minds often imagine worst-case consequences and replay perceived mistakes, which can drain energy and joy.
Guilt affects not only how we parent but also our health. It rewires attention toward what went wrong, not what’s working — and that makes everything feel heavier.
A different question: not “How do I stop guilt?” but “What do I do with it?”
Guilt will show up sometimes — that’s normal. The practical question is how you respond when it appears. Think of guilt as a warning light: it can be a helpful signal if you approach it with curiosity instead of condemnation.
Practical steps to defuse guilt
1. Pause and notice
Before you act on guilt (yelling, apologising, spiralling), pause. Take three slow breaths and bring gentle attention to what’s happening inside.
2. Name the feeling
Ask: Is this guilt, or fear, sadness, anxiety, shame, or exhaustion? Naming the feeling creates a little distance and makes it easier to respond thoughtfully.
3. Get curious, not critical
Treat guilt like a clue. Ask:
What actually happened?
What assumptions am I making that fuel the guilt?
Can I view this from another perspective?
Example: instead of “I’m a terrible parent because I yelled,” try “I yelled because I was overwhelmed and triggered. What sign could have told me I needed a break?”
4. Zoom in on specifics
Guilt loves generalities. Replace “I never spend enough time with my child” with a question: “What did I do with my child?" It’ll help you notice all the many small moments of connection you did have. Specific details provide a more accurate picture and reveal small, manageable changes.
5. Hold two truths at once
Your mind can believe opposing thoughts simultaneously: “I should be more patient” and “I love and care for my child.” Identify the guilt-inducing thought, then add a balancing one. This reduces the thought’s power without forcing it away.
6. Look for evidence
Our brains are adept at finding evidence to support our negative beliefs. Consciously search for evidence that contradicts the guilt-based story — moments of connection, patience, or competence. Keep a small list if it helps.
7. Practical mini-experiments
Replace “fix it forever” with small experiments that move towards a deeper connection with your child (the ultimate guilt antidote):
Identify one small change you’d like to make and commit to trying it out
Trade one evening screen scroll for 15 minutes of undistracted play and notice how it feels.
Schedule one small self-care habit and track it for a week - for ideas, read Quick Ideas to Look After You
8. Build supportive habits
Set realistic expectations (you won’t be perfect — aim for “good enough”).
Limit comparison triggers (mute accounts that provoke shame).
Ask for help — parenting is more challenging in isolation.
When to get extra support
Many parents let go of guilt using these steps, but sometimes guilt is stubborn, tied to trauma, anxiety, or depression. If guilt feels overwhelming or persistent despite your efforts, talking to a therapist or coach who specialises in parenting can help.
A final thought
Guilt is noisy, but it’s also information. When you notice it, get curious. Ask questions. Replace broad self-attacks with small, truthful observations and actions. If you believe you’re already the parent your child needs, what would change for you? Start there.
If you’d like tailored tools or support to reduce guilt and feel more confident, I’m here to help — reach out and we’ll take small, practical steps together.
