A Step by Step Process to Addressing Challenging Behaviour
‘Everything we do depends for its quality on the thinking we do first’
- Nancy Kline
There are always going to be times when you want to address behaviour that isn’t acceptable. This guide will help you do so effectively while nurturing and deepening your relationship with your child. It is not for use in the heat of the moment but in a moment of calm to help you break unhelpful patterns of behaviour.
Clarity First
In order to get clarity about the issue at hand answer the following questions:
1. What do I love, admire or appreciate about my child?
2. What about my child brings me joy?
Aim: A positive focus creates better conditions for thinking & brings your child and their positive attributes into sharper focus than the behaviour.
3. What might your child feeling, observing or experiencing in the situation?
Aim: All children’s behaviour that we may find challenging is communication. This question helps to look beyond the behaviour and to see things from your child’s perspective to gain understanding and compassion.
4. What patterns do you notice – situations, possible causes etc
Aim: To gain greater understanding in order to find a solution that fits well.
5. Keeping an eye on the big picture what do you ultimately want your child to learn?
Aim: To keep the behaviour change in perspective and to consider how we wish to teach important values and skills.
6. What specifically do you think needs to change?
Aim: To make it easier to take steps towards a solution and to avoid feeling overwhelmed.
7. What are your thoughts and feelings about the behaviour. What assumptions might you be making that cause you to want it to change?
Aim: To ensure that your judgement of the situation is not clouded by untrue assumptions.
Problem Solving with Your Child
1. Think first and talk it through with your partner or friend answering the clarity questions.
Aim: To ensure we act on the issue with clarity of thought.
2. Find a moment of calm when you can talk to your child.
Aim: To ensure you have had time to think first and be in a position to be positive and proactive.
3. Share appreciation of your child with them.
Aim: To help your child calm their amygdala, engage their thinking brain and know they are valued and loved for who they are.
4. State what you’ve noticed.
Aim: To simply and without criticism highlight behaviour that needs redirecting. Ensure you know the difference between personality traits and behaviour.
5. Empathise and name emotions. (e.g. I feel like breaking things when I get frustrated sometimes were you feeling really frustrated when you stomped on your toy?)
Aim: To help your child identify with any emotions and to show understanding. To calm your child’s amygdala, connect the different parts of their brain and engage their thinking.
6. State your expectation for their behaviour & your reasons for the desired change.
Aim: To ensure that your child understands what behaviour is expected of them and avoid misunderstanding.
7. Ignite their thinking & share your experience.
Aim: To help them develop a problem-solving mindset and to show that you value their input. To share an experience that might help their thinking. When we avoid advice and thinking for them, we create an opportunity to develop their life skills.
8. Decide on your experiment together & how long it’ll run for.
Aim: To try a change of behaviour or different way of doing things for a set period of time to see if it is working. To keep an air of curiosity and development.
9. Summarise with empathy, encouragement & appreciation
Aim: To ensure they are clear about the course of action and that this is about their behaviour not a criticism of them as a person and that you believe they can change it.
10. Review & tweak if necessary
Aim: To acknowledge any positive steps towards behaviour change and to make any necessary changes.
Example
This example is for a younger child, but the principles work just as well with teenagers (with a few caveats given below).
1. Think first and talk it through with your partner or friend answering the clarity questions.
2. Find a moment of calm when you can talk to your child.
Come and cuddle I wanted to chat with you about something.
3. Share appreciation of your child with them.
You are very kind and caring. I enjoyed watching you look after your teddies and making sure they all got a nap.
4. State what you’ve noticed.
I’ve noticed that you are hitting your brother quite a bit recently.
5. Empathise
I know he isn’t always able to understand the games you play and doesn’t always want to do what you’re suggesting which I guess is a little frustrating isn’t it? You think he should join in and play how you’ve imagined and when he doesn’t you get cross is that right? (Allow space for them to talk.)
6. State your expectation for their behaviour & your reasons.
The problem is when you get angry and hit him, it hurts him and I can’t allow you to hurt him, just like I wouldn’t allow anyone to hurt you.
7. Ignite their thinking & share your experience.
So we need to think of a way that you can get that anger out that doesn’t involve hitting. What do you think? If you and your child are new to this, you may need to help your child along, but the more space and attention you can give them to find their answer the better, if you are relaxed and don’t interrupt they are more likely to chat about it, so with your body language, facial expression and lack of interruption encourage them. If they need your input share your experience rather than telling them what to do or think or advising them. ‘When I get really angry I find it helps if I walk away and then I take a few deep breaths before deciding what to do. What do you think might help you?’
8. Decide on your experiment together & how long it’ll run for.
You think stomping helps you when you feel angry and I’d agree moving helps shift emotions, so let’s experiment with that. When you get angry because your brother won’t do what you want him to, walk away from him and stomp or jump up and down.’ We’ll try that for a couple of weeks and see if it’s working.
9. Summarise with empathy, encouragement and appreciation.
Ok, so my expectation is that you will not hit your brother because it hurts him and isn’t acceptable behaviour so instead when you feel angry you’re going to try really hard to walk away and jump up and down and stomp. You’re going to try that for a couple of weeks and see if it works. If it doesn’t we’ll have a think about what might work better. If I see you getting angry and you don’t remember to walk away I’ll remind you is that ok? I know you don’t want to hurt your brother and I know you are loving and kind so I’m pretty sure you’ll manage.
10. Review & tweak if necessary
So I’ve noticed that most of the time you are remembering to move away and stomp instead of hitting which is brilliant. Sometimes it still seems hard and you do hit your brother, especially when I’m not there to remind you so because this needs to stop what do you think would help? Remember to review with the big picture in mind and a genuine exploration of a solution. If there has been no behaviour change then it may be necessary to look at consequences.
A word on teens…
At step 7 you may well be met with silence. Allow plenty of time and space for them to talk. Encourage them by restating that you’re genuinely interested in their thoughts. If this is the first time you’ve included them in problem-solving they may not trust it’s genuine so tell them you’ve read a new method, seen that what you were previously doing had some errors and you’d like to try this. Take them with you on your journey to inclusive parenting. If they still won’t contribute to problem-solving share your thoughts and say you’d prefer to have their help in finding a solution so you’ll check in with them later. Depending on your previous methods you may have some work to do to reconnect on a deeper level with them. Engage their thinking on other topics that are less confrontational and get good at listening to them. Keep calm - teenagers are skilled at button pressing so know your triggers and don’t fall into the trap of reacting!
A word on consequences, punishment, rewards
Consequences:
Teach that all behaviour has consequences, both good and bad. For example, if we behave kindly to a friend they will most likely enjoy our company and choose to play with us, if we behave unkindly they will most likely find someone else to play with. Highlight a natural consequence of the behaviour you wish to help them change and highlight a natural consequence of the new behaviour.
Punishment:
There is no benefit to punishment. Punishment either shames or frightens a child into behaving. It may work in the short term but due to the problems it causes for your child’s emotional wellbeing, resilience and confidence it is to be avoided. Naughty steps, dunces’ hats, standing in the corner or being banished to another room are all examples of shame-based punishment. ‘If you aren’t kind no one with like you.’ Or ‘If you don’t stop I’ll smack you.’ are examples of fear-based punishment.
Rewards
These are things that your child can earn as a reward for doing something positive or for effort. They’re commonly used ‘Eat your veg and you’ll get dessert’ and so it goes on. However, using rewards for desired behaviour over time will lead to entitlement and a lack of intrinsic motivation. Instead, use positive, natural consequences - for example - ‘When you move away and jump up and down instead of hitting your brother I can get my work done while you play, which means I’ll have time later to play trains with you, it’s fun playing trains together isn’t it.’
Encouragement, Appreciation & Praise
Taking the time to notice positive behaviour and encourage it is incredibly valuable. All too often parents only notice when things aren’t going well and when children are playing harmoniously or working hard at something parents say nothing. Kids learn that negative behaviour is what gets them attention. Make sure you focus on the good in your child, notice and comment on positive behaviour, share what you appreciate about them with them and spend time with them doing things they enjoy.
This is not just about redirecting behaviour, it is also about providing an opportunity for your child to feel appreciated and valued and for them to develop problem-solving skills. It is an opportunity for you to build their resilience through an understanding that while they may make mistakes or do things that aren’t acceptable they will always be able to fix those mistakes and they don’t define who they are.
