How to Handle Different Parenting Styles Without Conflict

“What truly harms children isn’t different parenting styles — it’s ongoing conflict between their parents.”

Most parents have at least some differences of opinion when it comes to raising children. That’s normal — parenting is deeply personal, shaped by our own upbringings, values, and experiences. Understanding the common parenting styles can help you recognise where your differences lie and how to work through them.

The Four Common Parenting Styles

Authoritarian
Characterised by strict rules, punishments for disobedience, little negotiation, and limited affection.

Authoritative
Sets clear boundaries, encourages open discussion, offers support and affection, and uses teaching and redirection rather than punishment.

Permissive
Few boundaries or direction; the child leads. Often warm and affectionate but more like a friend than a parent.

Unresponsive
Low involvement, little affection, and minimal responsiveness to a child’s emotional or practical needs.

The ideal style to aim for is authoritative, but even within that approach, parents can disagree — for instance, on what boundaries to set or how to help a child stick to them. The greatest conflict usually arises when parents differ significantly in their overall styles.

Why Parenting Conflicts Happen

Parenting is complicated. Much of what we do instinctively comes from how we were raised — some parents replicate their parents’ approach, while others deliberately do the opposite. Add in blended families, co-parenting, or differing cultural expectations, and things become even more complex.

We all want what’s best for our children. That deep love and desire to protect can, however, make us reactive — critical, defensive, or dismissive when we feel the other parent is “getting it wrong.” The truth is, the other parent almost always wants the best for your child, too — they just have a different idea of how to achieve it.

So, how can you move from conflict to collaboration?

Steps Toward Collaborative Parenting

1. Focus on What’s in Your Control

It’s easy to waste energy trying to control what we can’t — our child’s behaviour, our partner’s choices, or another parent’s reactions. What is in your control are your own thoughts, words, and actions.

You can choose to pause before reacting, to communicate calmly, and to reflect on how your emotions affect those around you. This awareness sets the tone for healthier discussions.

2. Reflect on Your Approach: Confrontational or Considerate?

When parenting discussions arise, ask yourself:
Are you open to the other parent’s perspective and willing to compromise, or do you enter the conversation trying to convince them you’re right?

Collaboration grows when we approach discussions with respect, curiosity, and a genuine desire to find common ground — not to win an argument.

3. Reframe Before You Talk

Before starting a conversation, try to reframe the situation in a way that fosters empathy.
Remind yourself that the other parent loves your child too. Consider their strengths and intentions.

Then, approach the conversation with understanding, compassion, and curiosity, rather than a mission to change their mind.

4. Communicate with Care

Express your feelings and observations without criticism or judgment.
For example:

“I get upset when you punish the kids harshly. I know you want the best for them. Can you help me understand your thinking?”

This opens the door to dialogue instead of defensiveness.

5. Listen Actively

True listening means allowing the other person to speak without interruption or preparing your rebuttal while they talk. Even if you disagree, keep listening.
Remember: both of you share the same ultimate goal — raising a happy, healthy child.

6. Share Information and Observations Gently

If you’ve come across useful research or noticed patterns in your child’s behaviour, share them thoughtfully.

“I understand better where you’re coming from now. Can I share something I read that made me think differently about punishments?”
“I’ve noticed our son gets more irritable after being punished. I wonder if it’s making things worse in the long run. What do you think?”

You can also share personal experience in a non-judgmental way:

“I’ve found he’s more cooperative when I give him a chance to have his say first.”

Always invite the other parent’s thoughts — and then listen.

7. Consider Your Options

Sometimes, even after a calm discussion, the other parent may not change their approach.
Remember: you cannot control someone else’s parenting style. What you can do is focus on ensuring your own parenting reflects your values and your child’s best interests.

Avoid trying to “prove a point” — it only deepens conflict and can distress your child.

8. Stay Open to Learning

Even if you strongly identify with one parenting style, there’s always something to learn from others.
A stricter parent might learn flexibility from a more permissive one, while a lenient parent might gain confidence in setting firmer boundaries.

Authoritative parenting isn’t one-size-fits-all — it’s about balance, and every parent can bring something valuable to the table.

9. Practice Acceptance

Accepting that you can only control your own parenting can be challenging, but it can also be freeing.
When you stop trying to change others, you can redirect that energy toward strengthening your relationship with your child — and becoming the parent you want to be.

10. Reassure Yourself — and Your Child

It’s okay if you and your co-parent don’t parent exactly the same way.
Children can adapt to different styles, as long as the overall environment feels safe and predictable. What truly harms children isn’t different parenting styles — it’s ongoing conflict between their parents.

When parents argue about parenting, especially in front of children, it can leave them feeling anxious, confused, or unsafe. Acceptance and calm cooperation — even in the face of differences — serve your child far better than constant confrontation.

11. Agree on the Basics

Have calm, private discussions (away from the children) about what you can align on.
Talk about things like:

• What behaviours do you both want to avoid (e.g., yelling or name-calling)?

• How you’ll respond when the other parent does something you disagree with (e.g., taking deep breaths rather than arguing in front of your child).

• How can you support each other, even with different approaches?

These small agreements lay the foundation for mutual respect and trust.

Final Thoughts

Parenting is a lifelong learning journey, not a competition. Differences are inevitable — what matters most is how you handle them.
Keep trying to understand one another, communicate with care, and prioritise your child’s emotional wellbeing above being “right.”

And if you find you can’t resolve an ongoing conflict, seeking professional support can be one of the most valuable gifts you give your family. Getting parents on the same page is one of the key focuses of my couples coaching - book a FREE session to find out more.

FAQ: Handling Different Parenting Styles Without Conflict

1. Is it normal for parents to have different parenting styles?
Yes. Parents are shaped by their own upbringing, values, cultural background, and life experiences. Differences are common — what matters is how you handle them.

2. What causes conflict between different parenting styles?
Conflict typically arises when one parent attempts to control or influence the other’s approach. When emotions get high, conversations can shift from problem-solving to power struggles.

3. What is the most effective parenting style?
Research consistently shows that authoritative parenting — setting boundaries with warmth, communication, and respect — supports the healthiest emotional development.

4. How can we avoid arguing in front of our child?
Agree on a shared plan:

• Pause the discussion when emotions rise

• Step away and revisit the conversation later

• Keep parenting disagreements private
  Children need to feel safe and supported, not caught in the middle.

5. What if my partner refuses to change their parenting style?
You can influence communication, not control another person. Focus on your own behaviour, model calmness, and use empathy when discussing differences. The most powerful change often happens through example, not pressure.

6. Can children adapt to different parenting styles?
Yes. Children can adjust to differences as long as the environment is emotionally safe. What harms children is conflict, not variation in rules or expectations.

7. How do we find common ground when we disagree?
Start with shared values: safety, respect, and your child’s emotional well-being. Then work together to agree on a few core parenting principles — even if your approaches differ.

8. When should we consider professional help?
If conflict becomes constant, hurts the parent-child relationship, or affects your mental well-being, a parenting coach, therapist, or family counsellor can help guide productive conversations.